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Jobs and thoughts I'm getting annoyed with all these accusations being thrown at me by Dawn. I'm nasty to her. I'm horrible to her. I don't understand her problems. I tell her off. I talk about her behind her back. I whisper about her. I'm just one cruel person, me. So, because of this I haven't spoken to her for the past couple of hours and I may just carry on with this routine. It's the easiest way to stop being accused of being miserable towards her, instead I'll just be moaned about for no longer speaking. Mum will be asked what's wrong with me, and it will all be turned back around on to Dawn, to make out I'm the bad guy when I haven't actually done anything. She'll cry and mope around acting all hurt. I know the score. I discussed the job I mentioned yesterday with Dawn, before this little tiff, and she's obviously not giving a care in the world about her little sister. She didn't seem enthusiastic or happy or even interested. I know it's hard for her to feel pleased for me, and to hear about jobs I could do/could have had, when she's not working herself and hasn't been for sometime. I doubt in the near future she will be either, but she could at least try and muster some happiness up, at least look the tiniest bit interested in what I have to say. Lets face it. Wehn I got my first ever job she wasn't happy. I was earning only £500 less at the age of seventeen than what she'd worked her whole life for at the age of twenty-nine. She wasn't exactly grumpy as hell with me but she wasn't over the moon, either. When I left that job, and in the time between that and my second job she was happy towards me. I was at her level, scrimping and saving and living day by day. I wasn't earning, and neither was she so she could deal with that. My second job came along, and although I was earning it was barely more than the minimum wage, earning only £8,000, and just about saving a little each month. That was fine by her, I wasn't on much, there was no need to worry about it. But now, now I'm worried about the nexy job I'll get. Now I'm worried how much I'll be earning, because although I'll be getting some money and I know it's more likely I'll be earning hardly anything again, she'll be moaning because I can save my money, beause I'll have money to spend unlike her. She can only just pay her credit card bills, her catalogues, everything. I on the other hand have no credit cards and only three presents to pay for through catalogues, which won't be too hard to pay off. My main bills will be my car, petrol and my phone bill and the rests all mine. She won't be very happy about it and she'll make herself known. Her thoughts will be shared with both myself and Mum, and we'll all have to know that she isn't too pleased with the arrangement. How am I ever to get on with my life, how am I ever to improve my jobs, gain a possible career? I can't beacuse she's practically dictating me. It's easy to say just get on with it, to forget her, because it's my life and I should do the best I can. But I ahve to come home to her every night, her sour face and her hurtful thoughts, and I'm just to put up with that? I don't think I can. I honestly do think that as soon as possible I need to leave her behind and move out - but I can't leave Mum suffering with her and Dad. She wouldn't be able to cope, and that upsets me. I can't leave my Mum dealing with those two day in day out by herself. Just what exactly am I going to do about everything? I have no idea. |