I'm just being silly
04.07.2006, 7:25 p.m.
I'm still reeling over what happened yesterday, but I've let it go and am getting on with my writing again. My sister is acting like nothing happened but I just can't do that.
Today though I have been thinking about why I dislike myself so much. I can't list many things that are nice/good qualities but I can list so many bad things. Some of them are completely silly and random but I still hold them against myself:
- I'm overly sensitive
- I get upset way too easily
- I get easily embarrassed
- I'm insensitive about other peoples feelings (ie Mark)
- I'm not assertive or decisive at all
- I let myself get treated like a doormat. I do lots for other people and never get anything in return.
- I don't look after myself at all. Although I exercise I don't take care of my skin, nails or hair.
- I don't dress for my size. I wear baggy clothes to hide my figure which then makes me look bigger than I am.
- I never put any effort in for Mark - I always wear the same clothes, never look feminine or wear make up. I look like a man.
- I never ever want to go out anywhere (although this I am trying to change).
- I never really wear matching underwear - no wonder Mark doesn't come near me anymore. I've got no nice or sexy underwear either!
- I don't seem like other girlfriends. They make an effort, dress up, look nice. They go out with their boyfriends. I'm just not like that.
- I'm no fun!
- There must be something wrong with me for Mark not to want to make any kind of commitment. I don't just mean getting engaged, but it seems he doesn't want to live with me or talk about our future other than we will be together. I also think that Mark doesn't want me to meet his mates, even if he says he does, because that way he is admitting he is with me and showing a bit of commitment. I think he is embarrassed of me. Yes, I think that highly of myself!
I have this thing that I know is completely daft, but I think if I can cure all of these problems (and more) - come out of myself, be more mature and change the person who I am, be one of those girls you look at with envy who looks fantastive and has guys falling over themselves - then maybe, just maybe, Mark may want to make some kind of commitment.
I'm going through a phase. Through one of those stages where I need comforting, reassurance, to know I'm loved and wanted for who I am. I just want to know if Mark wants me.
I know I shouldn't be thinking of these things. I know if he didn't want to be with me than he wouldn't be. Not after all this time. But why then, do I still feel like I'm being hidden away, that he could do better.
Yesterday - Tomorrow
14.11.2007
13.11.2007
12.11.2007
12.11.2007
28.10.2007
