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Hope I'm not sure how I feel. Incredibly lonely is one way of describing it, I think. I feel alone. Everyone turns the other way when I'm around, whispers and keeps secrets. I'm not in the know anymore. I also know that Mark and I are having a difficult couple of days in what seemed a near enough perfect couple of weeks. I'm trying to control my anger and stress and I know he is trying with his compulsions (I think he may have OCD or something simliar) and I let any mistakes or problems that he may have pass. But still we seem to find things to pick on, or well I seem to and then we argue and Mark makes me feel worse and guilty. I don't think he means to though. There are just certain comments I don't like hearing but they are still said. Last night I had problems with my internet, I couldn't connect, and I was speaking to Mark about it. Seeing if he could find a way to fix it. I know I am not technology minded but I was trying as best as I could to be of assistance over the phone. In the end we assumed the lack of signal is something to do with the router. It is around 7 years old and tomorrow we are having a new one installed, so hopefully I can be on the net happily again without dodging the 'no signal' message I keep seeing pop up. Mark wasn't able to sort anything out, and I did get grumpy. I know it is because I'm used to getting what I want, I am a very spoilt brat. Being the youngest in the family with sisters more than 10 years older than me didn't help. I was angry because I wasn't able to go on the net. I wanted something I couldn't have and basically threw a kiddy style strop and took it all out on Mark. Well, I didn't think I had, my voice had obviously changed because I was pissed of but I wasn't screaming at Mark that it was all his fault. Still I made Mark feel bad who in turn made me feel bad with some of the things he said. I know that if I continue with my behaviour like this I am most likely to lose Mark. He's had enough and I don't blame him. I don't think he can see that I'm trying to change my ways though, or maybe I'm just not changing them fast enough. I hope it is that he doesn't want to just be finished with me and so isn't trying with me anymore. That he feels he doesn't have to put any effort in and that is why we don't go out anywhere or do anything. I don't think it is. |