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Nearly over Never ever listen to people from work who don't know the whole story. That is what I have learnt today. It's a bad bad thing. I shan't ever talk to the receptionist about my relationship with Mark. She doesn't know anything about us, about him, about it. I very nearly lost Mark because of her. Basically today I have spent most of my time talking to her about us. I casually mentioned that Mark is tired on the weekends I'm at his house and that we never go out anywhere. She went off on one. This isn't the life we should lead, we are young and should be enjoying ourselves, going out more, having fun. Not sitting in the house playing cimputer games weekend after weekend. And I agreed. She has a way of making me think that how I am, how we are is completely wrong. That we should go out more often. I deserve better, he deserves better. We shouldn't spend our lives cooped up in a house, in a bedroom. I then started thinking more about it, dwelling on it. Thinking we were doing wrong because we weren't like other couples. Stupid aren't I? Working myself up didn't help, all I could then think about was how we "weren't happy" as we were. We needed to change. I got grumpy, not moody. Just quiet really. All these thoughts going round in my head. Round and round. Just constantly nagging at me. Something wasn't right with Mark and I; I needed to fix it. So when Mark phoned later this evening before going out with his mates, what did I do? I told him all about it, that we needed to go out more, that I wasn't happy, I wanted to go out. He took it that I wasn't happy with him, that I always pick faults with everything he does, that I deserve someone else. Eventually it turned in to a full blown arguments and ended up with him hanging up on me saying it was over. I called back and begged to be with him, that I was happy with him, I didn't mean what I had said. I was so happy with him ndwhat I was saying all wrong. He said that if I wanted to go out with him I should think about places to go, I said I'd already mentioned the cinema or going for a meal together somewhere, but he said that the films I suggested are all ones I want to see and he doesn't and I'm such a fussy eater going out for a meal would be no good at all. I needed to think of more places to go. He also told me a few home truths. That I'm a slefish person who only ever sees the negative sides in everything. I take so much for granted, especially him. I expect him to come pick me up and drive me back to his all in one night, so around a 3 hour trip, to cook for me whenever I'm hungry, to cater to my every need through the weekend and then bring me back home on Sunday so another 3 hour trip for him. No wonder he is tired. He's right though. I am selfish and take for granted all that he does for me. Never once have I offered to drive to his instead and I've been driving for 2 years. I make all these promises, to change who I am, to stop arguing and I never ever carry them out. We are still together and I really do mean the promises I have made. I don't want to lose Mark but listening to a woman who knows nothing about us nearly lost him. I won't be doing that again. Tomorrow I am going to go to work and say I was dumped and see how she reacts. I don't think she'll even care. Mark is with his mates at the moment after arriving very late. He didn't leave until the time he was meant to be at the meal because of the argument I caused. He is really angry with me, and rightly so. I don't blame him for what happened, it was my fault entirely. I don't ever think before I speak and always say the wrong thing and I always cause arguments. I need to change. I hope we will be ok. |