| Current | Archives | Profile | Email | Notes | Host | Image | Design |
|
Defence I have been thinking about and re-reading my last entry (I need to correct my spelling mistakes) and have come to the conclusion that I didn't really make myself clear and portrayed Mark as a really bad guy when he isn't. I go around his house and he does EVEYTHING for me. God, I think he would come to the toilet and wipe my bum for me if he had to! He would do anything to keep me happy, to make me feel special and loved. Yet I still find things I'm unhappy with all the time. Sure I would like to go out more, but then I haven't been the easiest person to coax out of her little comfort zone and adjusting to the fact I may want to go out more is weird. I find it strange myself, let alone Mark actually believing me when I tell him that's what I want to do. I'm very anti-social and hate the thought of going out so I can understand Marks reluctance to get us out and about. Saying that, and to be fair, we haven't really tried hard. Maybe in time we will. I have never ever worked shifts in my life, but I think working 12 hour shifts day and night and having very little time or sleep to prepare for the next day must be hard, must be tiring more than I think. I forget that although he has worked and come home to have a day of sleep, that his bodyclock is completely topsy-turvy and doesn't know whether it is coming or going and so you still feel pretty rough for the next few days only to just feel right and start it all over again. It must be tough and a hell of a lot harder than simply working 9-5 all the time. I'm trying to see this from Marks side, from his point of view and to just lay the cards on the table. I think he does, and will continue to, do everything he can to make us both happy. I need to compromise a hell of a lot more in this relationship than he does. He does bend and is flexible, I on the other hand am a complete stubborn bitch who isn't happy if things don't go her way. It is my fault that we had this argument because once again I was not happy with how things were. I thought we needed to be goin out and doing more things just because others do. But that isn't what it is all about. We make each other happy and laugh. We joke and mess around, we are comfortable with each other, more comfortable than I have ever been with anyone. Why do I feel the need to keep adding things and changing the course our relationship should be on. If we are happy with the way we are why do I keep suggesting different things? We are happy and I'm just being silly. It's one of those moments where you look at people and say "they are doing that, we should too!" Maybe we do need to get out a little bit more, to spend more time in each other's company instead of on the computer but how we are now also makes us happy. We can compromise and do a bit of both, talk to each other, decide things together instead of me just jumping the gun and assuming we need to do all sorts of things just to be like another couple. I feel the need to defend Mark. He isn't and never will be a bad person. He loves me and would never want to hurt me. If I hadn't listened to the woman from work this would never have been blown so out of proportion. |