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Try again I'm having such a bad day today. It feels like everything is going wrong. The Job Centre interview this morning was a waste of time, I signed a form to say I'm employed and was sent on my way. My P45 is being sent to my home address and I'm being paid until 22nd April. Because doing this made me think about the job and that I don't want it I got a bit moody and ended up taking it out on Mark. I had a moan about something stupid, which escalated into a huge 90 minute long argument. I'm still sore about it now. We argued because I didn't tell him I'm worried about the job. I had dropped a few hints but I haven't had a real chance to explain anything to him while he was working last week. I don't know whether we will talk about it a bit more or whether it is over and done with for now. I just feel I can't talk to anyone about it. I know I'm being stupid. I had said that I wanted to go back to work, that I was ready for it. I should be excited and looking forward to a new challenge. But I'm not. Sitting around on my backside at home is not going to get me anywhere but I would prefer to do that than actually go out and earn some money. I've gotten lazy and really don't want to leave this zone that I'm so comfortable in now. One of my recent comments was "Do you know how many people who are currently unemployed for weeks or months who would switch places with you in a minute if they could, and your here complaining." I WAS one of those people. I was looking for a job and waiting for something to come up. Yes, I've changed my mind and now hate the idea of going out to work. I realise how I'm coming across and behaving and how you are all probably yelling at your computer screens to get a grip. I don't want to go to work, to work with older women (who I always get lumbered with) and to have to listen about bloody periods or the menopause. I've had enough of that in every company I've worked for. I don't want to go to work with people I really don't think I'm going to get along with. I was excited about this job when I first heard about the company. They seem to do some really interesting work with the police. I'm not going to be doing any of that though, am I? No, I'll sit in the corner and file, or staple some documents together. I am never going to get anywhere in work. I'm always going to be on that bottom rung of the career ladder. Low pay and the doormat of the office. My family don't even know that I'm like this about a job. They are happy I have finally been employed and probably can't see past that or don't realise how lazy I now am. I can't tell them. I don't think they would understand. I don't think anyone would. I can't explain how I feel. I know that whenever I think about it I get nervous and upset. I'm throwing tantrums a toddler would be proud of all because I'm lazy and I don't want to grow up and be responsible. But it's the way I feel. How am I supposed to snap myself out of it if I feel so strongly about it? I still haven't been able to say what I really feel. I can't put it in to words. I don't even know why I'm bothering. |