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My fate? Something I meant to post yesterday: I’m writing this at work, so forgive me for maybe sounding a little all over the place, but I’m a bit uneasy about things here. The Office Manager has just told me we are to expect a letter to arrive today which may seal my fate. We have been tendering for a contract for the past year or so, it’s a large contract which I think will make or break the company. Basically most of the work we do with police forces throughout the UK is going to be involved in this new contract and if we don’t get any work from it, quite a lot of the work we currently do is going to dry up. My involvement being the ‘Contract Administrator’ would be overseeing each task that comes in, doing the paperwork for it, making sure the work is completed by the date needed and sending the job back out again. It would basically mean my workflow would increase, possibly being too much for one person to deal with, and I would have a reason to be employed after all this was the reason I got the job back in April! If we don’t get the contract (or not a lot of it if we did manage to snag a percentage) then I would most likely be out of a job. Again. I’m obviously worried about this. I don’t want to be out of another job. I really should sign my contract and get that handed in today. It’s a bit of a disappointment; I don’t think I’m ever going to feel secure in a job again after being made redundant from the last job. I’m always going to be on edge, expecting the worst, and just waiting to be told I’m no longer needed. I can’t even say I’m financially secure and will be okay, the money that I had saved up was spent on helping me out in the first few months of last year and when I got paid from this job it was being put towards paying my mum when she helped me out with car insurance. Getting made redundant was a real knock back and blow to the system. It totally screwed things up for me and turned things upside down. I had always been fine with my money and savings until I had to use that to cover myself and I’m really only just starting to recover. I think January’s pay will be the first I’m not paying back someone with. To have another possible redundancy hanging over my head isn’t what I need right now, and why is it always at the worst time of year; Christmas last time and now New Year. There have been a lot of other negative impacts since then too. I have lost a lot of confidence; in myself and in my abilities and work. I felt that I wasn’t good enough for the other jobs that I applied for, and subsequently got rejected because I didn’t sell myself well. I still feel I’m not good enough for many jobs, and even this one I’m in now. Having ended up in a job that a school leaver could do and is really simple has also knocked any confidence I had left. I’m in a situation that isn’t going to get better unless I leave for a job with better opportunities and progression. I’ve been miserable and unhappy and pessimistic, brought on by not being employed but which has never left my side. I always see the negative side to everything and it has created awkward situations and arguments, which shouldn’t have happened. I get grumpy easily and I’m pretty sure it’s to do with having a job I’m not entirely happy in and feeling like a failure. I have no goals to try and achieve and that makes me feel useless in a way. I’m just beginning to sort myself out. The redundancy hit me harder than I realised and I’ve only just found out the extent of it. Having to face all of that again is something I’m not looking forward to, however I have a good support network around me who will help me whenever I need it, and I’ve managed once, I’m pretty sure I can survive it again. Perhaps this will be the time to start updating my CV, just in case. It seems I’ll never know if I’m there to stay in any job. The letter didn’t turn up in the end, we’re expecting it on Monday, so I have a weekend to worry about things, get myself worked up, and look at alternative employment because knowing my luck it will be bad news. For now, I can only wait and see. |